RELENTLESS….will stop at nothing short of changing the world. (Warning: graphic details)

Originally posted on My Jubilee Journey:

RELENTLESS means to be unyielding, steady, persistent and consistent.

Relentless BLOG

I want to warn you that the title of this blog may cause you to expect me to write about something other than what I am really writing about.  I am literally sobbing with waves of emotions that I have not felt in a long time.  I have to speak out and share and I have nothing to be shamed of anymore.  I am still here!  I can finally look in the mirror and see pure raw beauty inside and out. God’s daughter.

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When time stood still a couple of hours ago, I kept hearing the word “relentless”.  I know its the voice of my Abba Father reminding me of who I am in Him. This is what happened two hours ago………….as many of you know I am on this journey of simplifying my life.  I am finally in my 13×11…

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RELENTLESS….will stop at nothing short of changing the world. (Warning: graphic details)

RELENTLESS means to be unyielding, steady, persistent and consistent.

Relentless BLOG

I want to warn you that the title of this blog may cause you to expect me to write about something other than what I am really writing about.  I am literally sobbing with waves of emotions that I have not felt in a long time.  I have to speak out and share and I have nothing to be shamed of anymore.  I am still here!  I can finally look in the mirror and see pure raw beauty inside and out. God’s daughter.

20110226_084428000_iOS

When time stood still a couple of hours ago, I kept hearing the word “relentless”.  I know its the voice of my Abba Father reminding me of who I am in Him. This is what happened two hours ago………….as many of you know I am on this journey of simplifying my life.  I am finally in my 13×11 sq foot room and I am loving it.  I can’t even believe that I actually lived in a 5-bedroom two story home just a couple of years ago and still desired more space and more stuff.  Praise God for my deliverance!  I still have a process to go, but I won’t relent.

I am presently in the process of de-cluttering my life because I tend to keep records of everything.  I definitely have the gift of administration and always maintain a paper trail. Earlier this evening I was going through old military documents and ran across a report that was written about me by one of my commanders at the time.  The purpose of this report was to begin the process of removing my “top secret” clearance because I was considered unstable.  Wow!   Let me give you a hint of what led to this action……

Sexual Trauma BLOG

After reaching out for help because I was tired of the sexual abuse I was experiencing as a female in the USAF, I was told that I needed mental health services because I was the problem.

I was ordered to go to a male mental health professional who only saw me one time for 30 minutes and I never said a word. He wrote his report describing me as “depressed, angry, loner, possibly unstable, avoidance personality and fearful”.  So it was concluded that those type of symptoms’ may cause me to give away secret military information in situations of distress.

MST BLOG

This five page report did not mention any of the sexual trauma incidents nor the names of the abusers or any of my complaints.  Oh! But they did mention that I was a single parent of a toddler (which they frowned upon); but they failed mention that my son was conceived during one the rapes. They all knew and knew who raped me.

READERS:  I need you to know that giving birth to my son Ian Brandon was the best thing to happen to me beside my salvation.  He is 30 years old now and pastoring a powerful ministry and never gave me one once of a problem growing up. He is my hero!

When I hear and see the word Relentless, I know it is connected to my only birth son. I have hundreds of spiritual sons and daughters, but only actually given birth to one in very adverse circumstances.  It was only by the grace of God that I was able to serve a full 12 years in the USAF considering what I endured beginning at the age of 18 years old.

I learned steadfastness, long suffering, endurance and what it means to be relentless to the core of my being.

I cannot count the number of times I have had to go to the hospital, doctor offices, therapists, etc. and asked to rate my pain….

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Can one really rate the pain of emotional scars that are so deep you can’t even reach the scab; can I really describe how I feel from one day to the next and expect to be consistent.

Yes, I know I suffer with PTSD at times…..some times more than others.

Yes I have the most devastating panic attacks (like yesterday) and I dare not tell anyone.

Yes I have triggers that trigger nightmares.

Yes the worst place for me to visit is the VA Medical Center, but I have to because  I have no other medical care.

But in all of the above…….I AM RELENTLESS!

God has given me this amazing love for people who are deeply hurting and when I am reaching beyond myself I feel no pain, only compassion and mercy for others. I have a global vision to see God’s beautiful girls (and boys) set free in the arms of our almighty Father.

Thank you for being apart of this amazing journey with me.  It takes very special and loving people to take the time to read what someone else writes about the reality of their own lives.   I solicit your prayers, words of encouragement and share my blog. Much more to come.

Check out my website at http://www.POEMixedMediaArt.com and see more of the journey God has me on.

LivingTheVapor

50 Again….Never Ending

I have officially declared a never ending jubilee over my life. Therefore I am 50 years old again today.

I might as well be since everyone thinks I am 38 years old. Seriously friends, 9 out of 10 people I meet assume I am 32-38 years old and the other 1% may say 42. God has done this ….😉.

I am so thankful today for life, health and the desire to love others. This jubilee journey has opened my heart up really wide.

I no longer live in a state of constant fear, panic and suspicion. Considering what I endured while serving in US military I am definitely under the Mighty Hand of God. His grace wraps around me daily.

I miss the military and what it stands for and the loyalty. Unfortunately there are always bad “apples” in the bunch who sexually abused others. God is still good!

Someone asked me what I wanted to do today and I just wanna do art.

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So off I go to get messy in acrylic paint.

Thank you all for your prayers, love and encouragement.

Eseosa Rain

My Mary Hannah

My oldest granddaughter is 12 years old and she gave herself the name Mary Hannah when she was 4 years old. She plans to serve God completely pure in body, mind and spirit, in spite of people around her.

Mary Hannah is an amazing little girl. She has such a tender heart for our LORD Jesus. It’s as if she tip toe when she senses His presence. I can see her facial expression when she is communicating deeply within with her Heavenly Father.

She always encourages me by simple hugs and she laughs at my jokes. The both of us have an uncanny sense of humor that we enjoy.

Mary Hannah with her Daddy Joshua, my oldest son.

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We love being goofy together and singing our version of We Don’t Need No Education song. Her Mom hates our song, but we know God has graciously given us both above the norm intellect and we are comfortable with being ourselves. She calls me YoungMa; we are in agreement that I don’t quite age 😉.

I am an amateur photographer and Mary shows interest in everyone I do.

This morning I woke up in so much physical pain and I was somewhat discouraged with the pain. Then
Mary sends me a text of a photo she took this morning….

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She said she was thinking about the lesson I taught in youth group on this past Sunday and how its important to watch God’s beautiful creation.

Oh how she blessed me. I immediately read Ps 63 and was blown away .

Mary Hannah is surrounded by materialism but somehow she is content to be 100% satisfied with simplicity. This is truly a gift from God.

I dedicate this blog to my 12 year old Princess Warrior…..Mary Hannah 😘.

My 13×11 Living Space

The journey of Jubilee;
It’s not just about turning 50, but it’s about freedom.
Freedom from the chains of debt that control what you do each time you receive a paycheck.
Freedom from the American Dream (nightmare); the status quo.
Freedom from the opinions of others.
I live in a 13×11 room, yet haters have arisen and instead of encouraging my journey, they ignore my journey.
Is it conviction or jealousy?
I don’t know.
But I will continue the journey cause God is not done with me.
Deliverance is a process; a process of patience and pain.
I don’t need “stuff” to be happy anymore…….truth be told, it never made me happy anyway.
I don’t dress to impress people who hate me anyway.
I dress my heart to impress my GOD now.
Inner beauty is His masterpiece.
LORD thank you for my 13×11 space.

Eseosa Rain

So Many Of Us Will Never Fully Relate

Originally posted on My Jubilee Journey:

As I view the new video we’ve created highlighting the plight of so many orphaned little girls in Kenya, I can’t help but feel that I could never fully relate to their situations.

Most Americans don’t know what it is like to lose both parents before the age of 5 years or to become a parent at age of 8 years or to have to sell your body just for a slice of bread.

We will never know what it feels like to be circumcised as a 9 year old girl because its tradition and no man will marry you if you are not circumcised. The pain of an unsterile knife cutting away the clitoris in order to enforce virginity, also known as infibulation or excision. There are no doctors or anesthesia, just severe pain.

And when the procedure is botched there is a long life of pain and infection…

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Simplicity Reality: 3000 sq feet to 13×11 room

Better is a little with the fear of the LORD, Than great treasure with trouble…Prov 15:16

For where your treasure is , there your heart will be also…Matthew 6:21

Then Jesus,looking at him (me), Loved him (me), said to him (me), “One thing you lack: Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in Heaven; and come, take up the cross, and follow Me….Mark 10:21

Pure and undefiled religion before GOD and The Father is: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.  James 1:27

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It was my world and so I believed that in my world I should live according to my rules.  The world (Babylon)  had my heart and mind in a tight grip.

Sure I attended church every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday, and I was a leader within the ministry and I had to look the part.  It was essential that I owned a home with no less than 4 bedrooms, 3 baths, formal dining room, eat in kitchen, laundry room, office, deck, screened porch, 2-car garage and circular driveway…….100% brick of course.

I had my Sunday only vehicle, my SUV and my not so new “beater” car……one just never know when they will need to drive 3 vehicles all at once.  I owned over 200 pairs of shoes and four closets full of clothing. My hair was done by a professional twice a week; you know the rest.

In 2007 I traveled to South Africa and visited orphanages, metal shacks, cardboard houses, and saw families of 10 or more living in one room dirt floor shacks with no electricity or running water , yet their enthusiasm, love for God and contentment could not be ignored.  I did not mention anything to my team who traveled with me, but my heart was ripped out of my chest.  Not at the situations of the beautiful South African people but at the situation living inside of me.  I was confronted with something I had never experienced and I knew that God was up to something in my heart.

I returned to America hurting deeply.  The years 2008-2012 were the most agonizing, excruciating and emotionally painful years of my adult life.  I cried out to God to be more like Him and He heard my cry and started responding immediately. I traveled to various parts of Africa several times during those years, as well as traveling to Thailand.  What I saw in the lovers of Jesus in those nations, I did not see in myself, nor in most of the believers I knew in the USA.  It was a vast difference, yet we all carried the same Bible, our road map to living this life.  We all said we accepted Jesus as our LORD, yet the fruit was different over there.

I found out quickly that my demented definition of “blessed” had nothing to do with the heart of the God I claimed to love and serve.  In my mind to be blessed meant to have all the material possessions I could get my hands on and to protect them at all cost.  When I would hear the words “idolatry and lover of money”, I would close my ears…..CONVICTION!

It was in 2011 when I went to the hospital for a simple 1 hour surgery and woke up 3 days later only to find out the surgery was 8 hours long and I had some serious health issues.  It took me over 12 months to fully recover and during that time I was staring at the “woman in the mirror” daily and I HATED what I saw.  I spent countless hours sitting quietly with the LORD and He saved me for real.  I prayed, cried, prayed and cried some more.  It was on that sick bed where the transformation to simplicity began.

20110414_221430000_iOSThe year 2013 would be my Jubilee year; the year I turned 50 years old.  I was not looking forward to turning 50 because it seem so final and that death would surely come quickly.  I even wanted to take my own life prior to 50 because I was so in bondage to this world. But GOD in His goodness had a plan for my life.  I had never experienced real joy and peace prior to this period in my life.  My previous years of salvation (1990-2013) was a big hypocritical hoax.

As the love of my Abba broke my heart over and over again, the walls slowly came down and the mask peeled its many layers off of my so-called perfect life.  I was finally naked and unashamed!  I lost many “so-called” friends and some of  the ones who remained treated me indifferently.  The average American Christian fear the truth about our status.  We are the rich young rulers upon this earth.

There is so much more to this story that only a book could hold…..so I hope to write that book real soon.

FAST FORWARD TO NOVEMBER 2014…….after husband abandoning me, foreclosure on the 3000 sq foot home and bankruptcy and two more surgeries (17 total in my life) and 30 years of intense migraine headaches…….I am FREE and living in my 13×11 room.

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The red dirt of Kenya and the 2000 daughters I have there has shown me that I am nothing.  It is only in Jesus and through Jesus that I have a life here on earth.  LESS IS DEFINITELY MORE for me.  Now I understand why Jesus told the rich young ruler in Luke 18 to sell all that he had and to give to the poor……..there is something spiritually so much greater when our lives are no longer clouded by stuff and the pursuit of the American nightmare.

James 1:27 is one of the greatest scriptures in the Bible because it summarizes God’s heart in few words.  It is what He sees ad knows that really matters in the end. And the end will surely come because we are living a vapor every single day.

Thank you for your prayers, encouragement and financial help for the many orphans in Kenya and beyond.

Visit http://www.POEMixedMediaArt.com

LivingTheVapor,

Eseosa Akinyi Nafula Rain