DOING ME = One Way Ticket To Hell

Originally posted on My Jubilee Journey:

I am definitely at a place in this journey called “life” where I want to actually live this life and not just exist.  I have existed for 49 years and when I turned 50 years old in 2013, something clicked within me and I realized that I was at my Jubilee and I never thought I would even reach the age of 30 years old due to multiple suicide attempts, self hatred and living a reckless life.

It is only by the grace of God and His unconditional love for me that I am still here; not only here but I actually care about how I live his life and whether or not I am bringing glory to His Holy Name each and every day.

I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord in 1991; however, the truth is that my heart did not convert until 2007 because I spent all…

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Empty Friendship – Truth Revealed


Today I stopped trying to be ‘someone’ for somebody who never thought of me as anyone appreciated and important to them. Inside I know the space I had for them is now crushed and broken..

Let truth be spoken… In time it will be for the best…although I feel an emptiness…knowing what I considered worthwhile..proved shallow and unreal.

I’ve learned sometimes emotions seem clearer than perception….and eventually can lead to a heartbreaking revelation that someone cherished proves that their friendship was in fact deception.

I cry tears of realization that once again I believed the lies that were in disguise and covered up… Honesty was masked with coy flattery. Why was I so darn naive?

I can and will move on…but I won’t forget I was forgotten and actually believed a lie. Not a lie out of the mouth…but of the heart.

That piece of friendship is now torn apart….

I mustn’t be sorry for the encouragement and love I shared…because I know what I offered was itself a dare. A dare to let someone be a part of me…who didn’t find a reason to care.

Moments like these are rare… moments that I feel what I felt to be ‘nothing’ now and bare.

Thanks for the lesson learned…and always remembered.

The Pain Cries Out To GOD


Open your ears, GOD, to my prayer; don’t pretend you don’t hear me knocking…..I really need you.  My insides are turned inside out; …..”Who will give me wings,” I ask–“wings like a dove?”  Get me out of here on dove wings;….I call to God; God will help me.   

Their words, which were music to my ears, turned to daggers in my heart……GOD!  Psalm 55 (MSG)

Most are afraid to confront the truth of betrayal and pain; I understand why, but nevertheless it happens and the pain is real.  

So called lovers of God hurt others with no regret, everyday, somewhere in this world—-no apologies, just daggers.

In Psalm 55 (MSG), David freely expressed his pain and GOD penned it in His Holy Bible.  Transparency is true freedom; it keeps the light shining upon the darkness of pain, closing the door to satan. 


My heart leaks blood of betrayal; my eyes release tears of abandonment and my thoughts reflect upon the truth of  betrayal’s nasty reality.  

Yet I see His arms wide open, beckoning me to approach.  His eyes stare at me non-stop.  He refuses to allow me to drown in my pain.  

He whispered to me this morning…..”I am givng you hope in Me; Joy in life and love for the lost”.  I said “thank you my LORD”.



Those of you who love well, thank you for your prayers and encouragement.  God is always good and we are always loved.

Eseosa Nafula Akinyi RainFire


Brokenheart BLOG

My heart bleeds blood drops of deep pain….why? Because someone thought it was okay to smash it with the sledgehammer of jealousy, deception, betrayal and lies.  It sucks! BUT GOD!

This is in the same season where my Messiah was betrayed so that I could receive eternal life.  That truth comforts me and gives me the grace to peel this onion of truth without fear of what other lies will be exposed. And other lies will crawl  out from within the cracks of deception and jealousy.


Jealousy in the life of a believer is one of the most deceptive and destructive tools of the enemy. God calls jealousy “fury or rage” in Proverbs 6:34. This suggest a “disease of madness,” an uncontrollable inner storm.  Cain’s uncontrollable inner storm caused him to kill his own brother, Abel, simply because his own brother loved and honored God from a pure heart.  Jealousy’s raging flame kills relationships.  Love is not jealous according to 1 Cor 13:4.

Jealousy is the opposite of trust and it does the work of hell, not Heaven.  God never leads us to leave a trail of “murdered bodies with blood dripping hearts” behind as we run deceptively into our “mind created” destinies.  Where envy and strife is, there will be confusion and every evil work.  Where whispers and accusations persist, a trail of death will follow.

Jealousy is a hidden rot of passion in the depth of our being.  It leads us to accuse others of what we know we are capable of ourselves.  Jealousy reveals an attitude of “I don’t trust myself; therefore I don’t trust others either.”  This is a truth we must all deal with within ourselves because at the core of it is sin.  Sin that can be justified through the lens of self-righteousness, pride and arrogance.

When jealous is not dealt with, it leads to demonic activity.  In Romans 1:29, Paul teaches that those who were turned over to reprobate minds were “full of envy”.  People get to the place of believing their own self-deceptive lies and totally ignore God’s word or even worse….they take His word and twist it to match their wicked actions, while betraying and murdering others in the progress.

In spite of popular belief, jealousy ALWAYS gives birth to the very thing many Christians say they would never do…..fornication, lust and adultery.  No one can be delivered from jealousy unless they recognize it for the deadly sin it is.  There must be confession of the sin……“yes I am jealous of so and so”.  James 5:16 says  “Confess your sins to one another…” .  However, those who have believed their own minds, own voice and voices of other deceptive people, will NEVER confess any flaws, weaknesses or sins of their own.  Yet, our God is willing and able to deliver.

Brokenheart BLOG2

My heart bleeds and my Savior stands near in my Jubilee year.  In the midst of this brokenness and heartache, His loving hand will make my heart beat again.

Some of you have experienced betrayal and have grown tremendously because of it, please pray for me in the midst of this journey.  PLEASE…only pray if you fear GOD and know His word from Matthew-Revelation; so much truth is written to The Body of Christ within the pages of those GOD Inspired Books.

Living At The Foot of His Cross,

Eseosa Rain Fire

Continual Gratitude 

God is always good and I am always loved.  I am grateful for: my art studio, grateful for my pillow, grateful for my God-son, grateful for my Bibical Counseling Course, grateful for Isreal, grateful for God’s mercy & grace, grateful for the lady I met and encouraged today, grateful for people who reach out to others daily, grateful for all my needs being supplied, grateful for cool breezes, grateful for espresso, grateful for James 1:27, so grateful for my joyful orphans in Kenya, grateful for all the Nations I have landed upon, grateful for my short haircut, grateful for a sound mind, grateful for my beloved Mary Hannah, grateful for The Lover of my soul Jesus!

Love, Betrayal and God’s Grace

I read these questions today at end of Kara Tippets wonderful heart wrenching blog:

What tears are you eager for God to wipe away? How has God’s grace met you in the midst of that struggle here on earth? Who in your life can you bring comfort to? 

When I think of her and what she is going through I feel like I need to remain mute forever more. Yet I know her desire is  to see others come into the knowledge of GOD and His amazing love and grace. And He has used her tremendously to help women like myself.

I don’t have a physical terminal illness but the emotional & mental pain of rejection, abandonment, betrayal, being lied to and misused has cause me to ask Abba many times to take me home. I have longed to have Him wipe my tears and that the pain would end in Heaven with Him. 

Yet His grace continues to meet me  in some very dark and lonely places. It’s so difficult when people you love inword and deed betray you just because they can. I read God’s word and I see its power to transform our hearts, so I know as believers we DO NOT have to hurt one another intentionally. We have Holy Spirit to help us love, support, encourage and pray for each other. 

I tend to love hard and give 200% to many, yet those who don’t give anything can drop a seed of division and malice……and BOOM! The exact same people you have supported when no one else would, abandon you. 

It’s hard to swallow when you know they read same Bible you do and say they love God.

Yet I must continue to comfort  and help the nice and the “Judas Nice”.  I sincerely want to keep comforting anyone the Lord allows me too in spite of the betrayals. 

I just want to do God’s will in this earth and not my own will.

Eseosa Rain