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My Secret Revealed

Today I decided to share beyond with my inner circle that I was on the list to possibly receive a service dog to help me overcome PTSD & depression issues. The response I received from most was very discouraging. All they see is what I allow them to see. But inside I am screaming out for help.
At night I lie awake for hours, afraid of dreaming or have severe panic attacks in my sleep.

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So many days I can’t even enter a grocery store because my heart beats rapidly, I sweat and fear consumes me. I cannot control it, yet people close to me make me feel so alone and ashamed.
In Christ I know that I am not alone, but there are days I crave the support of a loving, encouraging human being and all I get are blank stares or demeaning remarks.
Granted, I do carry myself as this strong, confident and successful woman. But I have to in order to protect myself.
I don’t expect anyone who has never been raped, conceived & given birth; rejected by fellow soldiers, called racist names, moved from unit to unit when I complained to my superiors, victim of 2 abortions, years of cutting my body, mutilated female organs, migraine headaches, fibromyalgia, isolation tendencies and suicide thoughts off and on, as well as attempts. I serve my country 12 years and 10 of those years were hell.
This doesn’t just go away. And I am tired of pretending to make everyone else comfortable. Yes I get to travel the world in my Jubilee journey year, but I am under the influence of over 7 medications to keep me somewhat stable as I travel. It’s not easy, but it has given me some courage. Because I love to help people.
So I say to my naysayers, I will be completely free one day soon, until then you can love me or leave me. But I have ONE chance at this life and I plan to live it to glorify GOD, not man.

Yes I need a service dog…I need a true, loving devoted friend.

I thank GOD for this awesome opportunity!

Living At His Feet,
Eseosa Rain

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What if Life is a Sentence…..

The majority of my life I have felt like the words “Abandon Me” were written across my forehead. I have seen the backs of so many people walking away from me, never to return. I have more memories of backs than open arms inviting me into a safe place of love.
Living within my present journey has shown me so much about myself, others and life. I am beginning to think that life is more of a sentence than a book. What if we were really created and designed for a simple, yet profound 3D sentence?…..what if.
My perspective is definitely changing. I use to feel severe emotional pain when I find myself remembering all the abandonments I have had to endure over the years. But now I feel the ever present love of my invisible yet present Abba Father. He is right here with me, to help me navigate this short journey called life.

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Maybe Abandon Me is my sentence so that I can firmly grip the hand of my Father GOD. I can’t seem to depend on other human beings to always be here, but my Prince of Peace is ALWAYS here.
We cannot be afraid to entertain the thought of what our sentence might say. But I like the perspective of a sentence vs a book; its less complicated and confusing for me.

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When my sentence ends, there the period will be……just He and Me. Selah.

Wasting My Life At His Feet

Diagnosis: Menopause

I knew this day would come and I have dreaded hearing those words from my doctor. She even did some blood work to confirm it…..ahh man!

I am living the vapor in my jubilee years and I know I am 51 years old, but I look 20ish and feel 30ish most of the time …..smiling.

But I have been experiencing some “shady” symptoms over past few months and they can stop me in my tracks most of the time.

For instance, insomnia has gripped me and I find myself sleeping maybe two hours out of a 24 hour period. I use the time to pray, read and create. I tried complaining but it made things worse.

Aging is not my friend right now. I thank God for allowing me to see the ripe ole age of 50 years old (1/2 of 100), but I am not dealing with it well. When I try to communicate this truth to my friends, I get so much negative feedback. But it does not change the truth that aging hurts for some of us…….now I said it out loud.

I visited my 80 year old Mother a couple of months ago; she lives in another State and I had the honor of helping her caretaker give her a bath and it was hard for me to see how her body has changed. My Mom was always a strong woman who kept all six of us in line all of the time. She was a stay-at-home Mom who cooked, cleaned and wash loads of laundry every day. And she could swing a belt when we needed to. I thank God for my spankings because I was something else……lol.

It was extremely humbling to see my Mom unable to do anything for herself and to know that one day if I live long enough, I may end up having to be cared for in such a way.

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As you can see my Mom is still a beautiful strong looking woman, but her body has taken a turn. I look just like my Mom when she was my age and I get to see a live progression of how I will look if I live to see 80 years old. I may not have the physical limitations but I will definitely feel different than I feel now. This present menopause is revealing that to me daily….my body is taking its turn in life.

My grandmother (my Mom’s Mother) was 101 when she went home to be with the LORD and she was just as beautiful and strong.

Isaiah 46:4 says “Even to your old age, I am HE, And even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made, and I will bear; Even I will carry and will deliver you”. AMEN! to this promise from my Abba Father.

I thank GOD that He allows me to figure this change of life out and He does not mind me asking Him questions and voicing my fears and concerns. He loves my “ugly beautiful” moments.

Its hard to see the picture that was taken of me just last month while traveling in Kenya Africa:

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I realize I look really young; the photographer asked to see my passport to prove my age….lol.

When I am with my 30 year old son, people constantly assume we are siblings or a couple……so weird!

The diagnosis “menopause” is definitely a tangible reality in my life right now regardless of how I look on the outside. I am definitely in need of my Abba’s grace and mercy during this journey. Oh how I love HIM!

Thank you friends and your prayers are appreciated.

Eseosa Rain

Idolatry At Its Worst

God’s perfect plan of redemption is simply reconciling each of us back to Himself through His Son Jesus The Christ.
Yet we have taken something so beautiful and precious and turned it into something sinful and selfish. We want what we want, when we want it with total disregard of God’s perfect will for us.
The most important thing to GOD is our intimate relationship with our Abba Father and totally surrendering EVERYTHING to Him, not caring how He leads us.
He knows the truth about every faucet of our lives, our thoughts and our behaviors.
So many have “concocted” in their own minds what God’s will is in the area of male/female relationships while in habitual sin.

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First of all, sin separates us from GOD; it is a total disregard for GOD’s heart, so how can we even trust anything we have concocted in our minds when we KNOW sin is active.
The devil has no new tricks, and I have found through much experience that the sins follow the same deceptive, manipulative pattern……lies, fornication, deception, selfishness, disobedience, hatred of any contrary voice, witchcraft, control, lust, gluttony, miser and pride.
This formula is a must to secure our own self will and to try to convince others that it is GOD. And those who walk in same demonic behaviors CANNOT discern that GOD is so far from such destructive mess.

The seasoned, skillful saints must pray for The Body of Christ, especially in area of relationships and marriage. The enemy is literally demolishing the future of GOD’s people, thus our divorce rate is as high as that of the world.
And many may not be divorce but they are spending their lives in constant turmoil, struggling and fighting, thus having no time to do what GOD created each person to do.
So the devil wins when these unions obtain their idolatrous prize.

LORD GOD HAVE MERCY ON US ALL!

LivingTheVapor,

Eseosa Rain

Death Is Precious

“Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of His saints” Ps 116:15

There is something profoundly beautiful about his scripture. It moves my heart, yet the reality of its implications releases a sadness in my heart. Lately I have encountered several people with cancer who are dying because the treatments have not reversed the effects of this horrible disease.

GOD has blessed this world with a wonderful woman named Kara Tippetts, who has been brave enough to allow us to be apart of her journey of battling cancer and facing death. Please see her BLOG ….Mundane Faithfulness and buy her ebook titled “The Hardest Peace”. This awesome woman of GOD and her family have truly changed my perspective in many areas of my life.

I have spent the last couple of days with one of my beautiful spiritual daughters who is 21 years old. I had not seen her in a few years because her family moved to another city a few years back. I have thought of her and her siblings often and we were reconnected this week when a picture of her appeared on FB, she was standing in a hospital room with no hair and battling cancer. GOD immediately had me reach out to her Mom and go see her the very next day. I had never been inside a cancer hospital and the reality of this terrible disease was starring me in the face as I walked down the halls. My daughter is afraid and rightly so. I asked the Holy Spirit to help me explain to her the beauty of a physical death when we are in Christ Jesus. I crawled in to bed with her and we laid there catching up on the past few years. She laid her head on my chest like a baby looking for her Mom. I held her and told her the story of God’s redemptive plan from Genesis to Revelation and she wanted Jesus in her heart. God’s presence was so thick in that room. I felt His mercy and amazing love embrace us both. She has a 7 month old son and 2 year old daughter. Only God knows the path she must walk, but now she gets to walk it with Him.

Then my son sent me a message about a young man we have known for the past four years and he is in his thirties and he is in his last stages of cancer. He has been battling for years and there is nothing else to be done medically. I hurt for him.

I must admit that all three of these real life stories have truly gripped my heart and has me stepping further back and examining my own life.

I may not be diagnosed with cancer but I am dying. We all are closer to death each day. Every breathe is one breathe before our last one. The issue is not death, but the issue is what happens beyond life on this earth.

Life here is only a vapor and there is an eternal life that we were created for if we choose to abide in Christ Jesus as our personal LORD and Savior. The sadness is from the possibility of watching people die too soon, but joy comes when they are in Christ Jesus because death is really life.

I don’t know much, but one thing I do know right now is that the temporary pleasures of this life is a waste of time and energy. We must direct our full attention on seeking intimacy with our Abba Father and LORD Jesus.

We must urgently tell the lost about the love of God and the Gospel of the Kingdom. It is our time as believers to rise up right now. Why? because we will die one day; sooner than we think.

Eseosa Rain

Die Empty

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I am a Missionary and I love living the James1:27 dream….”Pure and undefiled religion before GOD the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world”.

Because I don’t have access to tons of resources to help tons of people, I have to reach out beyond myself and ask others to donate money and/or resources. My opportunities and desire to help those in desperate need has increased, but I have noticed that the desire within people in general has become more inward focused.

People in general will gladly tell me their “need” to buy a bigger/better something, need to eat out more, need to go on a longer family vacation, need to pay for multiple sporting activities for their kids, need to buy more games/toys for their kids and the list goes on……while millions of babies and children die hourly because they are hungry,

I find myself saying more and more….I wanna die empty. Why? God created me and saved me to represent Him in the earth. My journey here is extremely short; in fact my life is a vapor…,fading fast.

Really! Any materialism, money or accolades I acquire means nothing when the vapor evaporates. So why would I continue to chase something and spend my life ignoring the needs of others, only to die without it. Selah

True joy and peace comes from giving my time, talent and money so that someone else can simply survive. God created it that way and we will never know its beauty until we try truly living the vapor His way.

God GAVE His only son…..He Gave!
Jesus GAVE His life for us…,He Gave!

We are suppose to lay down our lives so that someone else can live….there is no greater love.

LivingTheVapor

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Do You Feel Like You Are Losing Your Mind?

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As a believer sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind because I allow my emotions to get out of control. Its difficult to talk to so many other believers I know because they live in this fairy tale world pretending all is perfect all of the time.

However that reality does not line up with God’s word. The word of God teaches us that we will have much suffering, hardships, trials and tribulations. In this world we will have trouble and cannot escape it.

So its okay to let it be known that you may not be handling your problematic situations so well. If you cannot tell those close to you then tell the Person who will always listen and love you no matter what. He has the solution….

“And let the PEACE of GOD rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful” Colossians 3:15

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Even though its true that everyone has hard and difficult days and weeks and even months; we don’t have to surrender to those emotions that try to steal your joy, disturb your relationships, and rob you of your victory.

Colossians 3:15 lets us know that the “peace of GOD” can work as an umpire or referee in our hearts, minds and emotions. When life gets hard and our emotions try to exert control over us we can stop it from happening by making the choice to let God’s peace rise up from deep inside us like an empire to moderate our emotions.

We have the Holy Spirit to help us every time and we must trust Him and call on Him as our personal Helper.

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I want to encourage some of you, as well as myself…..when you feel overwhelmed, like you are losing your mind, just STOP a moment and deliberately set your heart and mind on Jesus and the Word of GOD.

As we do this, the wonderful, conquering, supernatural peace of GOD will rise up from your spirit and take control.

I confess over my life that GOD’s supernatural peace dominates me, in Jesus Name! The devil is a liar! We cannot waste another breathe of life being defeated in our minds and allowing our emotions to beat us down…..life is a vapor and we MUST live this vapor now!

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