JEALOUSY + DECEPTION = BLEEDING HEARTS

Brokenheart BLOG

My heart bleeds blood drops of deep pain….why? Because someone thought it was okay to smash it with the sledgehammer of jealousy, deception, betrayal and lies.  It sucks! BUT GOD!

This is in the same season where my Messiah was betrayed so that I could receive eternal life.  That truth comforts me and gives me the grace to peel this onion of truth without fear of what other lies will be exposed. And other lies will crawl  out from within the cracks of deception and jealousy.

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Jealousy in the life of a believer is one of the most deceptive and destructive tools of the enemy. God calls jealousy “fury or rage” in Proverbs 6:34. This suggest a “disease of madness,” an uncontrollable inner storm.  Cain’s uncontrollable inner storm caused him to kill his own brother, Abel, simply because his own brother loved and honored God from a pure heart.  Jealousy’s raging flame kills relationships.  Love is not jealous according to 1 Cor 13:4.

Jealousy is the opposite of trust and it does the work of hell, not Heaven.  God never leads us to leave a trail of “murdered bodies with blood dripping hearts” behind as we run deceptively into our “mind created” destinies.  Where envy and strife is, there will be confusion and every evil work.  Where whispers and accusations persist, a trail of death will follow.

Jealousy is a hidden rot of passion in the depth of our being.  It leads us to accuse others of what we know we are capable of ourselves.  Jealousy reveals an attitude of “I don’t trust myself; therefore I don’t trust others either.”  This is a truth we must all deal with within ourselves because at the core of it is sin.  Sin that can be justified through the lens of self-righteousness, pride and arrogance.

When jealous is not dealt with, it leads to demonic activity.  In Romans 1:29, Paul teaches that those who were turned over to reprobate minds were “full of envy”.  People get to the place of believing their own self-deceptive lies and totally ignore God’s word or even worse….they take His word and twist it to match their wicked actions, while betraying and murdering others in the progress.

In spite of popular belief, jealousy ALWAYS gives birth to the very thing many Christians say they would never do…..fornication, lust and adultery.  No one can be delivered from jealousy unless they recognize it for the deadly sin it is.  There must be confession of the sin……“yes I am jealous of so and so”.  James 5:16 says  “Confess your sins to one another…” .  However, those who have believed their own minds, own voice and voices of other deceptive people, will NEVER confess any flaws, weaknesses or sins of their own.  Yet, our God is willing and able to deliver.

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My heart bleeds and my Savior stands near in my Jubilee year.  In the midst of this brokenness and heartache, His loving hand will make my heart beat again.

Some of you have experienced betrayal and have grown tremendously because of it, please pray for me in the midst of this journey.  PLEASE…only pray if you fear GOD and know His word from Matthew-Revelation; so much truth is written to The Body of Christ within the pages of those GOD Inspired Books.

Living At The Foot of His Cross,

Eseosa Rain Fire

Continual Gratitude 

God is always good and I am always loved.  I am grateful for: my art studio, grateful for my pillow, grateful for my God-son, grateful for my Bibical Counseling Course, grateful for Isreal, grateful for God’s mercy & grace, grateful for the lady I met and encouraged today, grateful for people who reach out to others daily, grateful for all my needs being supplied, grateful for cool breezes, grateful for espresso, grateful for James 1:27, so grateful for my joyful orphans in Kenya, grateful for all the Nations I have landed upon, grateful for my short haircut, grateful for a sound mind, grateful for my beloved Mary Hannah, grateful for The Lover of my soul Jesus!

Love, Betrayal and God’s Grace

I read these questions today at end of Kara Tippets wonderful heart wrenching blog:

What tears are you eager for God to wipe away? How has God’s grace met you in the midst of that struggle here on earth? Who in your life can you bring comfort to? 

When I think of her and what she is going through I feel like I need to remain mute forever more. Yet I know her desire is  to see others come into the knowledge of GOD and His amazing love and grace. And He has used her tremendously to help women like myself.

I don’t have a physical terminal illness but the emotional & mental pain of rejection, abandonment, betrayal, being lied to and misused has cause me to ask Abba many times to take me home. I have longed to have Him wipe my tears and that the pain would end in Heaven with Him. 

Yet His grace continues to meet me  in some very dark and lonely places. It’s so difficult when people you love inword and deed betray you just because they can. I read God’s word and I see its power to transform our hearts, so I know as believers we DO NOT have to hurt one another intentionally. We have Holy Spirit to help us love, support, encourage and pray for each other. 

I tend to love hard and give 200% to many, yet those who don’t give anything can drop a seed of division and malice……and BOOM! The exact same people you have supported when no one else would, abandon you. 

It’s hard to swallow when you know they read same Bible you do and say they love God.

Yet I must continue to comfort  and help the nice and the “Judas Nice”.  I sincerely want to keep comforting anyone the Lord allows me too in spite of the betrayals. 

I just want to do God’s will in this earth and not my own will.

Eseosa Rain

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This is a day of Thanksgiving….

I am learning,……slowly…..yet learning,  that when life becomes chaotic and there is turmoil on all sides, its time to STOP and do an inventory of thanksgiving.  I have a dear friend who always remind me that “God is still good all of the time”.  So today I am listing some things I am so thankful for:

Thankful for my new pair of eye glasses that arrived by FedEx today; thankful for my 13×11 room where GOD lives with me every minute of everyday; thankful for my son Ian Brandon who absolutely loves Jesus; thankful for being a female Veteran who is a victorious woman of GOD; I am thankful for an abundance of clean water to drink and wash dishes with; I am thankful for the cold weather and beautiful sunshine; I am thankful for Kara Tippets; I am so thankful for my eldest grand child who is growing up to be a beautiful God-fearing young woman; I am thankful for Elect Lady Tiffany; thankful for GOD giving me the grace and the courage to travel the world and love His people; I am thankful for mixed media art; I am thankful for Dobermans; I am thankful for coffee, especially espresso; I am thankful for my Garner Prayer Furnace family; I am thankful for the few people who love me unconditionally; I am thankful for the ability to read and write; I am thankful for my Mom who is 80 years old; I am thankful for free medical care; I am thankful for bubble baths and IHOP KC Worship music…

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My black and white electric blanket; early morning prayer with Stephanie; my TOMS shoes; my sore left shoulder that still works a little; my love for green smoothies; my really short haircut; my beautiful dark black skin; my slim figure; I am so thankful for my roomies; thankful for my Christian Counseling College course; thankful for my Art studio and art supplies; thankful for eyes to see and ears to hear and a nose to smell; thankful for my many earrings from Africa; thankful for my many children in Kenya and South Africa; thankful for Rufaro; I am thankful for JonathanCaleb,JusticeJeremiah,ElijahDavid;NehemiahMichael; I am thankful for healing each day as I grow in the love and word of GOD; I am thankful for the desire to minister to the lost and learning that Abba did not save me for my own selfish desires to be fulfilled.

And I am thankful for each person who takes the time to not only read my BLOGS, but some actually write comments of encouragement and that’s really cool….thank you.

I am so thankful to Jesus for saving my soul!

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I love you all and encourage YOU to seek the path of thanksgiving when nothing else seems to make sense.

Eseosa RainFire

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My Secret Revealed

Today I decided to share beyond with my inner circle that I was on the list to possibly receive a service dog to help me overcome PTSD & depression issues. The response I received from most was very discouraging. All they see is what I allow them to see. But inside I am screaming out for help.
At night I lie awake for hours, afraid of dreaming or have severe panic attacks in my sleep.

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So many days I can’t even enter a grocery store because my heart beats rapidly, I sweat and fear consumes me. I cannot control it, yet people close to me make me feel so alone and ashamed.
In Christ I know that I am not alone, but there are days I crave the support of a loving, encouraging human being and all I get are blank stares or demeaning remarks.
Granted, I do carry myself as this strong, confident and successful woman. But I have to in order to protect myself.
I don’t expect anyone who has never been raped, conceived & given birth; rejected by fellow soldiers, called racist names, moved from unit to unit when I complained to my superiors, victim of 2 abortions, years of cutting my body, mutilated female organs, migraine headaches, fibromyalgia, isolation tendencies and suicide thoughts off and on, as well as attempts. I serve my country 12 years and 10 of those years were hell.
This doesn’t just go away. And I am tired of pretending to make everyone else comfortable. Yes I get to travel the world in my Jubilee journey year, but I am under the influence of over 7 medications to keep me somewhat stable as I travel. It’s not easy, but it has given me some courage. Because I love to help people.
So I say to my naysayers, I will be completely free one day soon, until then you can love me or leave me. But I have ONE chance at this life and I plan to live it to glorify GOD, not man.

Yes I need a service dog…I need a true, loving devoted friend.

I thank GOD for this awesome opportunity!

Living At His Feet,
Eseosa Rain

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What if Life is a Sentence…..

The majority of my life I have felt like the words “Abandon Me” were written across my forehead. I have seen the backs of so many people walking away from me, never to return. I have more memories of backs than open arms inviting me into a safe place of love.
Living within my present journey has shown me so much about myself, others and life. I am beginning to think that life is more of a sentence than a book. What if we were really created and designed for a simple, yet profound 3D sentence?…..what if.
My perspective is definitely changing. I use to feel severe emotional pain when I find myself remembering all the abandonments I have had to endure over the years. But now I feel the ever present love of my invisible yet present Abba Father. He is right here with me, to help me navigate this short journey called life.

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Maybe Abandon Me is my sentence so that I can firmly grip the hand of my Father GOD. I can’t seem to depend on other human beings to always be here, but my Prince of Peace is ALWAYS here.
We cannot be afraid to entertain the thought of what our sentence might say. But I like the perspective of a sentence vs a book; its less complicated and confusing for me.

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When my sentence ends, there the period will be……just He and Me. Selah.

Wasting My Life At His Feet

Diagnosis: Menopause

I knew this day would come and I have dreaded hearing those words from my doctor. She even did some blood work to confirm it…..ahh man!

I am living the vapor in my jubilee years and I know I am 51 years old, but I look 20ish and feel 30ish most of the time …..smiling.

But I have been experiencing some “shady” symptoms over past few months and they can stop me in my tracks most of the time.

For instance, insomnia has gripped me and I find myself sleeping maybe two hours out of a 24 hour period. I use the time to pray, read and create. I tried complaining but it made things worse.

Aging is not my friend right now. I thank God for allowing me to see the ripe ole age of 50 years old (1/2 of 100), but I am not dealing with it well. When I try to communicate this truth to my friends, I get so much negative feedback. But it does not change the truth that aging hurts for some of us…….now I said it out loud.

I visited my 80 year old Mother a couple of months ago; she lives in another State and I had the honor of helping her caretaker give her a bath and it was hard for me to see how her body has changed. My Mom was always a strong woman who kept all six of us in line all of the time. She was a stay-at-home Mom who cooked, cleaned and wash loads of laundry every day. And she could swing a belt when we needed to. I thank God for my spankings because I was something else……lol.

It was extremely humbling to see my Mom unable to do anything for herself and to know that one day if I live long enough, I may end up having to be cared for in such a way.

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As you can see my Mom is still a beautiful strong looking woman, but her body has taken a turn. I look just like my Mom when she was my age and I get to see a live progression of how I will look if I live to see 80 years old. I may not have the physical limitations but I will definitely feel different than I feel now. This present menopause is revealing that to me daily….my body is taking its turn in life.

My grandmother (my Mom’s Mother) was 101 when she went home to be with the LORD and she was just as beautiful and strong.

Isaiah 46:4 says “Even to your old age, I am HE, And even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made, and I will bear; Even I will carry and will deliver you”. AMEN! to this promise from my Abba Father.

I thank GOD that He allows me to figure this change of life out and He does not mind me asking Him questions and voicing my fears and concerns. He loves my “ugly beautiful” moments.

Its hard to see the picture that was taken of me just last month while traveling in Kenya Africa:

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I realize I look really young; the photographer asked to see my passport to prove my age….lol.

When I am with my 30 year old son, people constantly assume we are siblings or a couple……so weird!

The diagnosis “menopause” is definitely a tangible reality in my life right now regardless of how I look on the outside. I am definitely in need of my Abba’s grace and mercy during this journey. Oh how I love HIM!

Thank you friends and your prayers are appreciated.

Eseosa Rain