What I Am Learning…..

What I learned this past week is that Jesus is always the answer.  His ways are amazing.  The fact that we cannot control His ways leaves us wanting more of His wisdom and knowledge.  Only if we love Him. 

What I love about being in my Jubilee years is that I get to look back and see how silly I was in so many areas of my life. Maturity has a way of unwrapping truth in a major way.  Truth about self, others and life.

One thing I know is that we are living the vapor every heartbeat and that wasting those precious heartbeats trying to be seen and applauded by other fragile human beings is really pointless.  I now see why Jesus taught us through His word to point people to GOD and GOD only.

Everything on this earth is fading fast; faster than we care to admit. We are so afraid of facing that reality so we move at a fast pace trying to be someone GOD did not create us to be.

We miss the beauty of who HE is because in our race to “no where”, we bypass what matters most……James 1:27.

I weep for my brethren in Christ, especially the Americans. As a whole we don’t have a clue. We really believe that following Christ is about going to a building and finding new ways to entertain broken humans. The majority of the spiritual gymnastics we do cannot be supported by God’s written word, so why do we waste time doing it? Because we are afraid to face the pitiful truth about our inability to control our own lives.

So we remain in sin but give it a new name such as “relevant”, “love”, “seeker friendly” and the list goes on. 

Our church buildings are full of entertaining dance teams, singers, musicians, magicians, poets, and actors/actresses…..who refuse to carry the Gospel to the streets like Jesus taught us. The Gospel is what pleases GOD!! Yet tickling one another’s flesh is what pleases us. 

Many pretend that His glory fills rooms when the popular worship song is sung….the truth is that God’s glory has not touched the earth in centuries because it would wipe out where ever it showed up….HE is that powerful. 

Deception is the easy and popular vitamin to take each morning so that we can remain blind to truth as American believers.  Yet our nation crumbles before our eyes because the saints are deceived and powerless and afraid to admit it, so let us continue to conjure up a new version of the Bible and avoid truth. Selah!!

Bending On Blistering Knees,

Eseosa Rain

  
WOW!  Our GOD is awesome!  I barely slept last night due to physical pain and nightmares trying to invade my sleep.  The filming that we worked on yesterday triggered some things that brought on unpleasant dreams.  But as I lay awake, Holy Spirit talked to me and we had a wonderful time.

Yes I was in physical pain and the pain worsen by the time I got out of the bed at 7am; by 12pm I could barely walk, yet my spirit man was determined to edit the film and complete the project.  My dear Mum Sarah came down at 9am and she was by my side for the remainder of the day.  GOD has really shown His amazing love through her.  

 
My Abba Father is continually at work in my heart and mind on a daily basis.  I am so humbled to be an undone, willing vessel in need of Jesus every second of everyday.  In my Jublilee years I am learning just how much I don’t know and how I desperately need Holy Spirit guidance and the power of God’s written word.  This world has absolutely nothing to offer me.  There are many within the Body of Christ as well as outside of the Body, who find it easily to verbally abuse and accuse me because I don’t fit into their mold; however, I am so glad that I don’t fit into their mold.  I only want to fit into God’s mold……be conformed to the image of Christ Jesus.  Thank God for His patience with me.

  

This adventure has been amazing and I am nervous about the screening tonight at Fort Bragg USO, but excited to share my heart with so many people.  I cannot wait until I return to Nairobi Kenya to share the film with my 300 plus daughters and sons. 

I thank God for my son, Joshua Ian, because his love and support pushes me beyond my comfort zone.  I am humbled at his love for the Lord and the things of God.  He is definitly my hero.  

   

Beloved followers……..I love you!  Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragment.  I am excited about your destiny and future in Christ.

Refusing to do life without Christ!

Eseosa Rain

 

 

Day 3 – The Adventure Continues

The word Adventure means to take a risk in the hope of a favorable outcome.   This week I decided to take a big risk in hope of another dimension of freedom.  The road to healing and wholeness can be painful, but it’s necessary.  Facing my giants is the only way to slay them.

  
God’s Grace has been so tangible today.  I had to shoot scenes which required me to be in close proximity with uniform soldiers and the panic came with a vengeance.  Memories flooded in my head and my heart almost escaped my chest.  But Holy Spirit made His presence known. 

  
It was only an hour of shooting and editing but I was totally drained. I felt like I had worked eight hours of hard labor.  After the first session I attempted to go to the PX and upon entering the complex, my world started spinning and dread took over.  My emotions were all over the place but I was determine to allow the painful emotions to push me to my goal.  This is not just about me.  Others will be blessed.
   
 

Thank God for my son who sent me a text encouraging me, not knowing what I was struggling with. I could hear the voices of my many Mothers reminding me of who I am in Christ Jesus. And I thought of the brave families of the Charleston SC shooting victims and said a prayer for them. Once I stopped focusing totally on my self, the burden of fear started to lift.

 
As I went back to my hotel room to rest and prepare for the evening video session, I quietly reminded myself how much Jesus loves me.  I am never alone.  He will never leave me. 

  

Living The Vapor one adventure at a time!

Eseosa Rain 

Adventure Day 2 – Emotional Roller Coaster

  

Today was extremely trying for me.  It was day 2 of my adventure toward greater freedom; facing the Giants of my past. It was time to write my story board so that we can begin filming tomorrow. 

  
The challenge for me was the idea of grouping with 2-3 others and sharing my story.  I thought it would be easy but the uniforms caused me to lock up.  I literally shut down and checked out mentally and emotionally.  The room became smaller and my heart stopped beating (at least it felt like it did).

   
 

The reality of what was deep inside was at the surface and I had no one to run to for help, except Holy Spirit.  He brought Joshua 1:9 back to me as I sat alone with tears streaming down my face.  The room was full but I was alone.  It’s difficult to explain to others who have not experienced the pain of serving and surviving.  

I must admit that as I walked on post today it felt good to see the soldiers and smell the air of an active duty environment.  I miss my brethren in that aspect.  Yet my mind remembers the dark side.

  
I am no longer ashamed, but the unknown can be intimidating.  

One of the professional film makers was brave enough to approach me and gently guide me out of my place of self protection and dread.  She reminded me that my story does matter and it’s ok to tell it. So I decided to do a silent film, which can be more difficult than a film with actual speaking.  But I am up for the challenge. 😊

  
As I sit here praying about tomorrow, I am reminded of what God spoke to me as He opened the gates for me to be here……..so I end with this and solicit your sincere prayers.

  
Living the vapor! 

IMG_1990

My Jubilee Journey Is Now An Adventure

  

This morning I made the first step toward a life changing adventure.  In the midst of the fears, apprehension, and anxiety, GOD spoke loud and clear.  He opened the gates really wide.  One of my earthly angels and champion, Mum Sarah Stein has been used by God in making this adventure a reality.  Her encrouagement and optimistic heart has blessed my “socks off”.  Thank you Mum Sarah!

The adventure began at 7am this morning and The Holy Spirit of God went before us and open gate after gate after gate.  While on the road to our desination  my daughter texted this word…..”Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your GOD is with you wherever you go”  Joshua 1:9.  I causally looked at the word and said a prayer.  As we were riding down Hwy 40 East, Holy Spirit had me look up and to my left I saw a gigantic billboard with the exact same scripture.  GOD was shouting His word to me.  I felt Abba wink at me as if He was saying “go girl!”. 

God led us to one of my favorite coffee places, which happened to be very close to the area we needed to be because we were not sure where we were…..another open gate!

We finally made it to the American Expressway, the road leading into the front gate of Fort Bragg.  My heart started pounding as we approached the gate.  It has been many years since I had been on a miltary base (post) and seeing the solderis and security, I was worried about anxiety coming upon me.  At the gate, the security police guy glanced at my Veteran ID card and waved me right through quickly.  Mum Sarah has been on the base (post) many times and never entered that quickly…..GOD opened the gate and gave us more favor.

I am finally here…..the “I Was There” film making project for veterans and active duty service members.  There are 13 of us and only two veterans.  Sitting in the room with a room full of uniforms brought back so may fond memories.  

   
 

I miss the military; I miss the unity and the cohesive discipline.  I have always compared my military relationship experiences with my experiences  within the Body of Christ.  I pray that my brethren in the Body of Christ would see the importance of Psalm 133 so that we can walk in such unity and cohesiveness.  The power of His Blood is greater than the uniform, yet we are far from representing His love within the Body.

This adventure has the potential to trigger some horrible and scarey memories for me, but I must face the giants of my past so that I can move forward effectively, as I advance God’s Kingdom globally. 

Each of us have experienced some negative things  while serving, yet we are trained to walk in determination, persistance and loyalty. 

 My first day was nervous but amazing.  I basically directed, produced and acted in my first 3 minute practice film.  I learned alot.  Each day we will learn more about film making and prepare to shoot final film at end of week.

   
 

At the end of today’s session I was a little more relaxed.  I experienced a couple of triggers today but quickly prayed and re-focused.  

God opened another gate of favor as I entered a nice hotel on post…….completely paid in full for the week.  The room is so nice…yeah God!

I can do this!  Through Christ ALL things are possible.  

   
  

 

This adventure will unlock some deep pain yet this adventure will open my heart wider so that more of GOD can get in.  Thank you for your prayers and support.  GOD has truly placed some amazing, selfless people in my life during this Jubilee Journey.  Thank you Jesus!!!!

Shedding Her Earth Suit

My Mom is slowily shedding her earth suit and its difficult to watch.  I am learning that GOD has His timing no matter what the doctors say or even the vital signs that ping from the machines.  

Vitals were 50/31 then after prayer and worship they were 88/40, then back down, then up to 119/71 and the roller coaster continues.  They say a few hours then she expires; now its a few days, but who really knows.

  

But the time is defintely near as Abba has spoken clear. 

Emotions run high, tears never run dry. My Mom is shedding her earth suit slowly and its extrenely hard to witness, but the thought of her doing it alone is unbearable.  

  
How does one say “goodbye” to Mom; my Mom was a “stay-at-home Mom” during a time when it was popular for women to pursue education and careers.  Most Mom’s in our neighborhood worked part time and full time jobs, but my Mom wanted to be hands on in our lives.  There were 6 of us with minimum of 2.5 years between each one and it was not easy.  But she was determined to make sure we finished 12 years of school and stayed free of any type of criminal actvity.  She was a strong, vibrant and firm woman.  She loved us closely and deeply.  My Dad was a Merchant Seaman who traveled extensively, but his job defintely provided for us and Mom made it work.

  
Saying goodbye is hard to do, so I won’t say goodbye.  I will say “see you when I see Jesus” and that is a definite.  It brings me joy to know this truth about my Mother. 

Today Was Most Difficult Day of My Life

I’ve imagine the phone call and this type of day many times but never actually thought it would play out this way. I knew in October 1990. when I flew home from Germany to Virginia to see my Dad who was ill with cancer, that it would be my last time seeing him alive.  He did not want to say it but the doctors made it clear to myself since I lived so far and had to return to my miltary base regardless of what was going to happen.  And my Abba confirmed it in my heart.  It was a long goodbye.  Dad helped ease the pain because he made plans to visit my son and I in Germany that following April; however, he was in Heaven by mid-January 1991.  He slipped away at 3am, alone in his hospital room.  It was the first and only night my Mother decided to go home and freshen up and get a good night sleep; Dad had other plans.  I know he made it easier for her.

BUT today! Whoa! (tears streaming)…….a simple bladder infection entered my Mom’s blood stream and basically poison her entire system.  Doctors gave her less then 36 hours, yet her blood pressure is 56/40 and slowly dropping.  They have made her comfortable.  I know she is ready BUT I AM NOT.  I am 51 years old and I feel like a little girl who is not done playing “tea party” with my Mom.  So many good byes today and so many tears flowing from the eyes od my 5 siblings and over 26 grandchildren and great grandchildren. 

Yet her heart beats slowly, breathing shallow and eyes not so focused.   No more words or physical movement….its so hard!