RELENTLESS means to be unyielding, steady, persistent and consistent.
I want to warn you that the title of this blog may cause you to expect me to write about something other than what I am really writing about. I am literally sobbing with waves of emotions that I have not felt in a long time. I have to speak out and share and I have nothing to be shamed of anymore. I am still here! I can finally look in the mirror and see pure raw beauty inside and out. God’s daughter.
When time stood still a couple of hours ago, I kept hearing the word “relentless”. I know its the voice of my Abba Father reminding me of who I am in Him. This is what happened two hours ago………….as many of you know I am on this journey of simplifying my life. I am finally in my 13×11 sq foot room and I am loving it. I can’t even believe that I actually lived in a 5-bedroom two story home just a couple of years ago and still desired more space and more stuff. Praise God for my deliverance! I still have a process to go, but I won’t relent.
I am presently in the process of de-cluttering my life because I tend to keep records of everything. I definitely have the gift of administration and always maintain a paper trail. Earlier this evening I was going through old military documents and ran across a report that was written about me by one of my commanders at the time. The purpose of this report was to begin the process of removing my “top secret” clearance because I was considered unstable. Wow! Let me give you a hint of what led to this action……
After reaching out for help because I was tired of the sexual abuse I was experiencing as a female in the USAF, I was told that I needed mental health services because I was the problem.
I was ordered to go to a male mental health professional who only saw me one time for 30 minutes and I never said a word. He wrote his report describing me as “depressed, angry, loner, possibly unstable, avoidance personality and fearful”. So it was concluded that those type of symptoms’ may cause me to give away secret military information in situations of distress.
This five page report did not mention any of the sexual trauma incidents nor the names of the abusers or any of my complaints. Oh! But they did mention that I was a single parent of a toddler (which they frowned upon); but they failed mention that my son was conceived during one the rapes. They all knew and knew who raped me.
READERS: I need you to know that giving birth to my son Ian Brandon was the best thing to happen to me beside my salvation. He is 30 years old now and pastoring a powerful ministry and never gave me one once of a problem growing up. He is my hero!
When I hear and see the word Relentless, I know it is connected to my only birth son. I have hundreds of spiritual sons and daughters, but only actually given birth to one in very adverse circumstances. It was only by the grace of God that I was able to serve a full 12 years in the USAF considering what I endured beginning at the age of 18 years old.
I learned steadfastness, long suffering, endurance and what it means to be relentless to the core of my being.
I cannot count the number of times I have had to go to the hospital, doctor offices, therapists, etc. and asked to rate my pain….
Can one really rate the pain of emotional scars that are so deep you can’t even reach the scab; can I really describe how I feel from one day to the next and expect to be consistent.
Yes, I know I suffer with PTSD at times…..some times more than others.
Yes I have the most devastating panic attacks (like yesterday) and I dare not tell anyone.
Yes I have triggers that trigger nightmares.
Yes the worst place for me to visit is the VA Medical Center, but I have to because I have no other medical care.
But in all of the above…….I AM RELENTLESS!
God has given me this amazing love for people who are deeply hurting and when I am reaching beyond myself I feel no pain, only compassion and mercy for others. I have a global vision to see God’s beautiful girls (and boys) set free in the arms of our almighty Father.
Thank you for being apart of this amazing journey with me. It takes very special and loving people to take the time to read what someone else writes about the reality of their own lives. I solicit your prayers, words of encouragement and share my blog. Much more to come.
Check out my website at http://www.POEMixedMediaArt.com and see more of the journey God has me on.